Hi, my name is Madison Looby or for the shy girl on youtube. Well, let me tell you a little more about myself.
I tend to be a Prima Donna or Drama queen whichever you prefer
I often live in fantasy more than in reality (I prefer daydreamer)
I have a LOT of self-doubts
I love music
Prima Donna
Last year in July 2019. I posted for the first time. I thought it would be a good idea to post something and thinking that it would get an obscene amount of likes and views. I included imaginative and descriptive words the extend of what I learned in my AS English class to make it engaging. But of course when it did not get my expected result. I quit. I was just on the verge of deleting this website when I was inspired to blog again after attending a webinar as you do.
So here we are a year later I am legally allowed to drink that Hennessy and coke that I had in San Francisco at age 19. A lot more has happened Gigi and Zayn had a baby. Kanye West is not running for president. Anyone else kind of wants to see what will happens I mean after watching the aeroplane karaoke with James Corden *I almost think the US would be in safe hands. I would have to listen to his presidential campaign. BTS is breaking records. More on them later. Of course, a pandemic that shocked the world. I know that during this time some people who used this time be creative and perhaps to think outside of the box as we discover a new way to do things.
I can now say that a year later. I would say that I am happier as I becoming more open and less afraid of others judgement. I am leaning more on God and less than on other people.
I have got my passion for performing arts and drawing back. I probably never lost it. I guess with the loss of my grandfather it took me a while to find it. He introduced to what inspired him to sing and dance. First, he would give Jesus thanks always (especially before training) he also likes the way Mr Gene Kelly dressed with class. I long to follow in his footsteps and perhaps finish what he started.
As Denzel Washington said in his speech to Dillard University: 'if you think you want to do what you think I’ve done then do what I’ve done and stick with God.' *
Bottom line he is telling you to put God first. That is what I want to do.
Fantasy vs Reality
Close your eyes for second just more one sec humour me. Just take a deep breath and close your eyes. Imagine you are in a hotel room in Paris, fresh coffee and croissants fill the air. As a gentle breeze causing you to go back into your luxurious slumber... now open your eyes. Where are you? Back in lecture while your teacher drones on about a subject that you probably have tested on soon. I just started college so I can relate.
Are you still with me?
Yes
Cool back to the point.
I often have to be snapped out of my bubble or La la land. I guess I go there because there I can be confident have no fear and be the person that I long to be in my dreams. Accomplished and perhaps even have a boyfriend to save me from a dragon guarded castle: news flash: so not ready that kind of drama and commitment so I will stick to Dear no one as my relationship status on Facebook. Anyway...
I do not have to work. Things just come instantly without going through the blood sweat and tears to get there. In that dream world, I am mystique from X-men. I could be anyone. It is not the best place to be. Nowadays, I often find myself unhappy with my reality longing for that escape where I could be a beautiful supermodel in Paris or a daredevil discovering different countries by dirt bike.
Yeah, I have so many dreams but I don’t want to live so much in my fantasies that I miss the chance to make them real. That is going to take me praying my plans to God and working my butt off to make those dreams a reality.
Today, I probably still dream but I want to be content with where I am now. At moment and time.
Fantasy: I am a fashion model and the queen of the big screen or theatre. A triple threat with an hourglass figure. Why not this is a fantasy.
Reality: I am a university student who wants to get into modelling and performing arts. Who is happily single. I love ballet and have an athletic body shape. Does anyone else think that this sound like a dating profile?
Self Doubt
I often stare at myself in the mirror at some hour in the morning wishing I could be pretty. Looking at the stretch marks and scars (from chicken pox). Wishing I could be thinner.
Baring in mind that I used to struggle with body image and appearance from a young age. So I never really believed my mom. I thought oh she’s just saying you don't know how beautiful you are. Do you? because she’s my mom. I am sure you felt that when you were going through your awkward phase. I’m still going through mine. This didn’t just affect my body image but my hobbies I think I mentioned that I love ballet but due to lack of discipline and again self-doubt I used to hate looking at myself while dancing because I would always complain that I could do better with again putting the hard work in or in this case thinner.
I admit still don’t put as much practice in as I should or stick to everything on my schedule. I guess that means I’m human. Nope, just lazy.
From now on I am going to extend myself some grace into if beating myself up every time I don’t get something right. I will keep telling my self that I am beautiful even I don't believe it because if I don't then who else will. I am sure I’ll fail a lot in my life but all that matters is that inside of looking at my battle wounds along the way I get up and keep fighting.
Music
Last week I dove headfirst into my so-called acting journey by a post my first skit single mom problems based on the topic of music.
Rewind to November 2018 while watching a YouTube video. I noticed a group of seven Asian young men performing their new song DNA. Remember that the summer 2018 while at NCS I heard about them and their dance moves. I believe it was from 'Go-Go'. After looking at their performance at the billboard music awards immediately saw their music video. First impressions they all looked like they walked out of some sort of anime. V and Jimin reminded of Jack Frost or Howl from howls moving castle. Suga and Jin on the wombats from the legend of Korra. J hope would be probably Bolin or that cat thief from Totally Spies. Jungkook either an attractive version of Spock, Sosuke from Ponyo, Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke.
After a while it more about them and how attractive they are whether then about their music. From watching shows like avatar the last air bender and studio ghibli. My expectations were pretty high. So when I get a chance to travel to South Korea, China, Japan or Thailand. I won’t be looking be someone unrealistic who can get shoot and still keep walking or can bend the elements with their movements.
Back to music.
I have been introduced to so many artists from Diana Ross and Lena Horne to Tori Kelly Billie Eilish and Gabriella Alpin. Some teach us history like Amazing grace or how to love each other no matter skin colour with Bob Marley.
Music isn’t a bad thing as long as you don’t wrap up in the person recording and make them an idol. They are human after all.
Currently listening to:
Losing me by Gabriella Alpin
Make it right by BTS ft. Lauv
Holy by Justin Bieber
My taste of my depends on my mood.
Well, now that I have introduced myself and if you have read this far. I hope you come back.
Do you often struggle with self-doubt if so try and do one thing to break the habit?
What is your dream?
What is the one thing you can do today to make a one step closer to reality?
Love to read your thoughts in the comments.
X
**Links mentioned:
Kanye west Airpool karaoke- https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vgLOv36an3s
Put God First - Denzel Washington Motivational & Inspiring Commencement Speech- https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BxY_eJLBflk
Photo credit- https://unsplash.com/@waguluz_
Comments